2015 - A New Chapter

The title of this entry (and the blog itself) pretty much sums up the purpose of me returning to blogging!  Today I saw my psychologist for the first time in 7 weeks - and I walked out of that session knowing that today would be the day I returned to blogging, just as I walked out of the first session with her knowing I would study psychology.

2015 - it's been a year of life-changing events and we're not even half way through!  I am embracing all those changes (the good and the bad) and I know that everything will be ok in my world.  I've met some people over the last few months that have come into my life and as quickly as they arrived they left again.  This has upset me considerably, 2 men in particular Nate & Matt have had a profound impact on me and allowed me to tackle the demons that I have lived with for numerous years.  I now realise that these men were sent to me for a reason - when that reason was dealt with it was time for them to move on.  I will always be grateful for the lessons they have taught me.

To recap briefly on those life-changing events - I finally faced the fears that had affected me following a home invasion on 10th August 2000.  This horrific experience changed me as a person and has had a profound impact on me for the last 15 years (or so I thought).  I realised that I had buried my fears of that event and the subsequent impact it had on my life and therefore I was existing, not living.  I sought out the counselling I needed and started writing about the experiences I encountered as a result of the home invasion and the fears that followed.  I likened this to unravelling  thread, because the more I delved into my thoughts the more I realised a number of decisions I have made in my life following that event were done for the wrong reasons. 

The biggest of mistakes (for lack of a better word) was my marriage - one of the hardest things I've ever had to admit to myself is that I married for safety and security, not for love.  I still carry a lot of guilt about that decision and probably always will because this effects 4 peoples lives.  I did grow to love my husband but with my hand on my heart I know that I have never been "in love" with him.  And for the past 8 years of our 10 year marriage we have lived our lives as friends raising our children together under the same roof.  This admission to myself was the most difficult thing I've ever faced and I knew that there was only one way to rectify it and that was to end my marriage.

Meanwhile I was talking through these issues with my psychologist I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it was a relief to know that the experiences I had gone through and the fears that were a part of my everyday life for such a long time had a name - it wasn't just in my head.  That was the turning point - and it also gave a greater understanding to the effects of the depression and anxiety I have been suffering for a number of years.

I felt like I was making headway - finally I had a reason why I felt life was holding me back and then completely out of the blue I lost my job!  I was left absolutely devastated!  I have worked for this family business for over 16 years and I was treated like a member of the family, to find myself out of work for the first time since the 1990's was beyond scary - and to face all this within the first 3 months of the year was challenging to say the least.

But I am an eternal optimist, I believe the glass is half full, challenges are sent to test our strength and teach us a lesson and while I have moments when I feel negative, I know that I have what it takes to turn those thoughts around.

I chose to live by the motto that when one door closes another one opens, the problem was that I felt like several doors were closing, in quick succession, with no new doors opening for me.  It gave me one of the most defining moments in my life to date - I could either bury my head in the sand or look for the positives in the situation - and that's what I chose to do.

By adopting that mentality I met an amazing man, who for the purpose of this blog will simply be known as "A" - in just over 6 weeks, we have established a connection the likes of which I have never experienced before.  To say that this man has had a profound effect on my life would be a massive understatement, he has taught me to trust, taught me the power of love and has shown me what a real relationship is all about - and we constantly discuss and ponder the fact that all this has happened in such a short period of time!

Meeting him, I suddenly realised that the first door had opened and that all would be ok.  It's now been 7 weeks since I stopped working - I have enjoyed the time off to get things in order in my house and spend more time with the kids.  I'm optimistic that the RIGHT job will come up soon and I am looking forward to that door being open.  But in the meantime I'm focussing on what is important for me and that's continuing with the things that have held me back and that's my sole reason for returning to blogging.

A few weeks ago I sat down at my laptop, opened up a blog template to do an entry and the words didn't come - that was the first time I had ever experienced that.  I truly believed at that point in time that the reason I was no longer able to blog was because there was no need - I use blogging as an outlet to get thoughts out of my head and since meeting "A" I had a confidante that I could confide in so blogging had become redundant in my life.  I think that was definitely part of the reason why I decided to stop blogging but after today's session with my psychologist I know there is much more to it and those reasons are something that I will share in my next entry!