Ok, so this is going to be an interesting task - to put these thoughts in written form but I think I'm finally ready for the challenge. People talk about "light bulb moments" all the time - that one thing that just clicks with them and puts them on the path to success. Not only on the weight loss front but in all areas of life. Mine came yesterday, it was more than just one and they came in quick succession.
When I walked into my psychologist appointment yesterday she asked me "how have you been" to which I responded great - and I truly meant it. She told me I had an air of exuberance about me which was flattering to say the least and we began to talk about events that have taken place since I last saw her in March. It was the most interesting hour I have experienced in quite some time and I left feeling more optimistic about my future than ever before.
We talked about my new relationship - this was something that I was very reluctant to do. Simply because when I first mentioned to her that I was chatting to people online she warned me against it - firstly from the point that people may not be who they seem and secondly because she didn't feel I was ready to pursue a relationship. I agreed with her - I was not ready and that's why I was there to slowly build my confidence in conversing with men for when I was ready to move on.
What I didn't expect was to meet someone that had such a profound effect on my life that I was prepared to meet him in person for coffee just 36 hours after meeting him online! And in that 36 hours we'd probably spent 10 hours chatting online and another 2 hours chatting on the phone. It felt like an instant connection the likes of which I have never known. Once I explained all the details of the situation to her, regarding the limited time we spend together and the connection and our ability to communicate she told me she believed the relationship was having a positive impact on me.
She asked me how I have been coping with the self confidence and body image issues that we discussed in our last session. I responded by saying that I feel like I'm making progress and I'm even comfortable discussing these things with "A" - she thought that was a positive step in the relationship.
But what she told me next completely astounded me - she said she didn't believe I was affected by the home invasion to the level that I thought I was!!! That stunned me - she explained that the issues holding me back are actually more about self image, self confidence and my own sense of worthiness. Basically my self talk had suffered for so many years from the days of being told "you would be pretty if you lost weight", then being bullied in high school to the extent that I decided to leave school. I followed this with a relationship in my early 20's that lasted for 5 years - it was completely wrong for me but in my mind I believed it was the best I was going to get.
Finally at the age of 26 I took control of my life for the first time and I was truly happy with the person I was becoming. I had lost a significant amount of weight I was living with a close friend and was enjoying being single - I loved the person that was staring back at me in the mirror and then the break in occurred and took all that away from me.
I truly believed that I had trust issues and would never trust men again as a result of that - to which my psychologist challenged that I went on to meet two men who I had relationships with. In regards to the issues relating to personal safety and security - she agreed that these are in direct relation to the break in but are normal reactions and may be something I live with for the rest of my life.
But the deep seated problem that I have suffered all along was my own opinion of myself - I know that was never a positive opinion but what I didn't know was this was what had controlled my life for so long, not the events of that night.
It's actually an exciting thought - because it means I can control how I move on from here and to a certain extent I already am. 2015 was about putting myself first - realising I'm worth the effort to do my hair, put makeup on, buy new clothes. I believe in myself for the first time in a long time and these days when someone pays me a compliment I simply say "thankyou". So many people have had a profound effect on me this year - it's amazing to know that I am able to inspire other people. To have my closest friend tell me regularly "I wish you could see yourself the way we see you" and you know what, these days I do!
Towards the end of the session my psychologist asked me if I felt like I was becoming a new person, I said no, I feel like I'm returning to the person I was before the break in - she smiled and said that I've come a long way in just a few sessions. She doesn't want to see me again for another 6 weeks and the implication was that I probably won't need to see her much more after that. I walked out feeling like I was 6 foot tall!
So now begins the process of continuing on my journey of growth and self discovery! I have an amazing future ahead of me with unbelievable people by my side. I am worthy of happiness, a positive self esteem and success in everything I want to achieve in my life and what's even more important is that I have EVERYTHING it takes to make it happen!
Last night I told "A" about this when talking to him on the phone and I explained that I didn't know why I felt the need to start a new blog moving forward. He knew the reason straight away, because he knows me so well - that old blog (the one where I dealt with the break in, ended my marriage etc) has ended because that's another door (or chapter) on my life that's closed. This new door (blog) is one that's opening up to the awesome new future that's ahead - and I can't wait for it to start!
Thursday, 14 May 2015
Wednesday, 13 May 2015
2015 - A New Chapter
The title of this entry (and the blog itself) pretty much sums up the purpose of me returning to blogging! Today I saw my psychologist for the first time in 7 weeks - and I walked out of that session knowing that today would be the day I returned to blogging, just as I walked out of the first session with her knowing I would study psychology.
2015 - it's been a year of life-changing events and we're not even half way through! I am embracing all those changes (the good and the bad) and I know that everything will be ok in my world. I've met some people over the last few months that have come into my life and as quickly as they arrived they left again. This has upset me considerably, 2 men in particular Nate & Matt have had a profound impact on me and allowed me to tackle the demons that I have lived with for numerous years. I now realise that these men were sent to me for a reason - when that reason was dealt with it was time for them to move on. I will always be grateful for the lessons they have taught me.
To recap briefly on those life-changing events - I finally faced the fears that had affected me following a home invasion on 10th August 2000. This horrific experience changed me as a person and has had a profound impact on me for the last 15 years (or so I thought). I realised that I had buried my fears of that event and the subsequent impact it had on my life and therefore I was existing, not living. I sought out the counselling I needed and started writing about the experiences I encountered as a result of the home invasion and the fears that followed. I likened this to unravelling thread, because the more I delved into my thoughts the more I realised a number of decisions I have made in my life following that event were done for the wrong reasons.
The biggest of mistakes (for lack of a better word) was my marriage - one of the hardest things I've ever had to admit to myself is that I married for safety and security, not for love. I still carry a lot of guilt about that decision and probably always will because this effects 4 peoples lives. I did grow to love my husband but with my hand on my heart I know that I have never been "in love" with him. And for the past 8 years of our 10 year marriage we have lived our lives as friends raising our children together under the same roof. This admission to myself was the most difficult thing I've ever faced and I knew that there was only one way to rectify it and that was to end my marriage.
Meanwhile I was talking through these issues with my psychologist I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it was a relief to know that the experiences I had gone through and the fears that were a part of my everyday life for such a long time had a name - it wasn't just in my head. That was the turning point - and it also gave a greater understanding to the effects of the depression and anxiety I have been suffering for a number of years.
I felt like I was making headway - finally I had a reason why I felt life was holding me back and then completely out of the blue I lost my job! I was left absolutely devastated! I have worked for this family business for over 16 years and I was treated like a member of the family, to find myself out of work for the first time since the 1990's was beyond scary - and to face all this within the first 3 months of the year was challenging to say the least.
But I am an eternal optimist, I believe the glass is half full, challenges are sent to test our strength and teach us a lesson and while I have moments when I feel negative, I know that I have what it takes to turn those thoughts around.
I chose to live by the motto that when one door closes another one opens, the problem was that I felt like several doors were closing, in quick succession, with no new doors opening for me. It gave me one of the most defining moments in my life to date - I could either bury my head in the sand or look for the positives in the situation - and that's what I chose to do.
By adopting that mentality I met an amazing man, who for the purpose of this blog will simply be known as "A" - in just over 6 weeks, we have established a connection the likes of which I have never experienced before. To say that this man has had a profound effect on my life would be a massive understatement, he has taught me to trust, taught me the power of love and has shown me what a real relationship is all about - and we constantly discuss and ponder the fact that all this has happened in such a short period of time!
Meeting him, I suddenly realised that the first door had opened and that all would be ok. It's now been 7 weeks since I stopped working - I have enjoyed the time off to get things in order in my house and spend more time with the kids. I'm optimistic that the RIGHT job will come up soon and I am looking forward to that door being open. But in the meantime I'm focussing on what is important for me and that's continuing with the things that have held me back and that's my sole reason for returning to blogging.
A few weeks ago I sat down at my laptop, opened up a blog template to do an entry and the words didn't come - that was the first time I had ever experienced that. I truly believed at that point in time that the reason I was no longer able to blog was because there was no need - I use blogging as an outlet to get thoughts out of my head and since meeting "A" I had a confidante that I could confide in so blogging had become redundant in my life. I think that was definitely part of the reason why I decided to stop blogging but after today's session with my psychologist I know there is much more to it and those reasons are something that I will share in my next entry!
2015 - it's been a year of life-changing events and we're not even half way through! I am embracing all those changes (the good and the bad) and I know that everything will be ok in my world. I've met some people over the last few months that have come into my life and as quickly as they arrived they left again. This has upset me considerably, 2 men in particular Nate & Matt have had a profound impact on me and allowed me to tackle the demons that I have lived with for numerous years. I now realise that these men were sent to me for a reason - when that reason was dealt with it was time for them to move on. I will always be grateful for the lessons they have taught me.
To recap briefly on those life-changing events - I finally faced the fears that had affected me following a home invasion on 10th August 2000. This horrific experience changed me as a person and has had a profound impact on me for the last 15 years (or so I thought). I realised that I had buried my fears of that event and the subsequent impact it had on my life and therefore I was existing, not living. I sought out the counselling I needed and started writing about the experiences I encountered as a result of the home invasion and the fears that followed. I likened this to unravelling thread, because the more I delved into my thoughts the more I realised a number of decisions I have made in my life following that event were done for the wrong reasons.
The biggest of mistakes (for lack of a better word) was my marriage - one of the hardest things I've ever had to admit to myself is that I married for safety and security, not for love. I still carry a lot of guilt about that decision and probably always will because this effects 4 peoples lives. I did grow to love my husband but with my hand on my heart I know that I have never been "in love" with him. And for the past 8 years of our 10 year marriage we have lived our lives as friends raising our children together under the same roof. This admission to myself was the most difficult thing I've ever faced and I knew that there was only one way to rectify it and that was to end my marriage.
Meanwhile I was talking through these issues with my psychologist I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it was a relief to know that the experiences I had gone through and the fears that were a part of my everyday life for such a long time had a name - it wasn't just in my head. That was the turning point - and it also gave a greater understanding to the effects of the depression and anxiety I have been suffering for a number of years.
I felt like I was making headway - finally I had a reason why I felt life was holding me back and then completely out of the blue I lost my job! I was left absolutely devastated! I have worked for this family business for over 16 years and I was treated like a member of the family, to find myself out of work for the first time since the 1990's was beyond scary - and to face all this within the first 3 months of the year was challenging to say the least.
But I am an eternal optimist, I believe the glass is half full, challenges are sent to test our strength and teach us a lesson and while I have moments when I feel negative, I know that I have what it takes to turn those thoughts around.
I chose to live by the motto that when one door closes another one opens, the problem was that I felt like several doors were closing, in quick succession, with no new doors opening for me. It gave me one of the most defining moments in my life to date - I could either bury my head in the sand or look for the positives in the situation - and that's what I chose to do.
By adopting that mentality I met an amazing man, who for the purpose of this blog will simply be known as "A" - in just over 6 weeks, we have established a connection the likes of which I have never experienced before. To say that this man has had a profound effect on my life would be a massive understatement, he has taught me to trust, taught me the power of love and has shown me what a real relationship is all about - and we constantly discuss and ponder the fact that all this has happened in such a short period of time!
Meeting him, I suddenly realised that the first door had opened and that all would be ok. It's now been 7 weeks since I stopped working - I have enjoyed the time off to get things in order in my house and spend more time with the kids. I'm optimistic that the RIGHT job will come up soon and I am looking forward to that door being open. But in the meantime I'm focussing on what is important for me and that's continuing with the things that have held me back and that's my sole reason for returning to blogging.
A few weeks ago I sat down at my laptop, opened up a blog template to do an entry and the words didn't come - that was the first time I had ever experienced that. I truly believed at that point in time that the reason I was no longer able to blog was because there was no need - I use blogging as an outlet to get thoughts out of my head and since meeting "A" I had a confidante that I could confide in so blogging had become redundant in my life. I think that was definitely part of the reason why I decided to stop blogging but after today's session with my psychologist I know there is much more to it and those reasons are something that I will share in my next entry!
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